Remembrance

Hari ini di kantor satu pitching besar selesai dipersiapkan dan dipresentasikan. Setelah satu minggu lebih penuh tekanan di kantor yang mengakibatkan rasa tidak nyaman yang luar biasa dan emosi naik turun tanpa terkendali, akhirnya hari ini bisa menghembuskan nafas lega dan berterima kasih pada Tuhan yang baik. Hasilnya? Terserah! Yang penting sudah melakukan yang terbaik.

Hari ini kangen sekali sama seseorang. Kemarin-kemarin bertemu kok. Tapi entah kenapa hari ini rasanya seperti mau meledak kangennya. Pernyataan ini diungkapkan dengan kesadaran penuh betapa noraknya kata-kata ini terdengar. Kangen banget. Hahaha. Dia sedang di Bandung. apa mungkin karena sisa minggu ini akan aku habiskan di Bali ya? Jadi perasaan panik menyerang karena tidak akan bertemu dengannya lebih dari 3 hari.

Hari ini di kantor ada mobil operasional baru yang direncanakan akan jadi mobil operasioinal yang ku pakai sehari-hari. Tapi bingung apakah malam ini mau di bawa pulang ke kosan? Besok ada pelatihan pasar modal dan meeting di kantor klien. Alangkah malasnya kalau harus menyetir sendiri di tengah kemacetan Jakarta sementara supir kantor bisa datang dengan menekan nomor telepon. Apakah harus dibawa? Bingung!

Hari ini panas sekali ya? Aku kegerahan sekali!

Hari ini adalah hari paling lama aku di kantor ini. Sudah jam 10.02 WIB dan aku masih sibuk mengetik blog yang tidak penting ini. Rasanya aku akan ambil keputusan untuk tidak membawa mobil dan pulang naik taksi Bluebird yang masih Tarif Bawah saja. Sungguh tulisan "Tarif Bawah" itu adalah informasi paling tidak penting akhir-akhir ini yang terlalu dilebih-lebihkan.

Hari ini aku mau tutup dengan ambil jemuran kering, mandi burung, masker muka sebentar dan tidur.

Hari ini aku sungguh berterima kasih Tuhan, tolong lindungi mereka yang sangat kukasihi. Amin.

Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play. (Heraclitus)

I’m so crazy about PC Mini Games. I mean only the simple one that is not take a lot of time to finish such as from Game house, Alawar, Zylom, Oberon or other game production house. One that you can download from internet, buy online, or in my case from a cheap pirates CD store in the mall (my bad). My favorite games, ones that I keep playing over and over again are Feeding Frenzy, Flower Shop, and Mystery Case. Several games that I’ve finished are Cake Mania, Dinner Dash (2 versions of it), Collapse and the Ultimate Collapse (the story version), Mystery Case of Huntsville, Mystery Case of Madam Fate, Agatha Christie, Christmasville, Cooking Academy, Cake Factory, Teddy Bear Factory, Garden Dream, Zen Fashion, Carrie the Caregiver and many many – trust me - many more. Right now I’m trying to finish Azgard Defense, Travel Agency, Supermarket Mania, and the Flower Stand Tycoon. You see? I’m just so crazy about it.

There is a vivid pleasure in those games. All those short stories, adventure, colorful pictures and graphics, photos, songs, comments, I found all are so hilariously fun and amusing. It makes me fleetingly pleased in a way, and when I’m in it I just couldn’t afford to do anything else. I’m carefree by focusing all my attention and energy to the game. It’s like making proposal without the burden of making it good so that client approved, and for sure without the soul-sucking-part called Deadline. The goal is pretty much simple, and it’s only taking a week or less to complete one game, depends on how good your hardware is and how well you play the mouse. Mine is a Blazing Red Sony Vaio so it all depends on the speed of my wrist and finger moving my mouse coordinating with my eyes. One of the most exciting parts of playing PC Game is when you begin it. When you start learning the story which mean also the goal, how to play it and how many points you have to earn so you can continue to next level. The feeling after getting your first point reward then your first “excellent” reward is so swiftly fulfilling. Crazy huh? And the rest of the game is the journey of adrenalin pump up which take over your mind and energy and all you want to do is get as many point as possible and finish the game.

I’m really amazed by the talents behind the making of those games. I mean with so many colors, characters, scheme and stratagem. And by years those graphics pictures are getting better and better and nearly like movie animations. Take Flower Shop for example, the flowers is so beautiful in color and then they created Flower Stand tycoon, even better with 4 windows style, road maps and avatar. I could understand if its creating games for X-Box, PS 2 or 3, Nintendo Wii, DS, or else similar like those game entertainment equipment, it’s fully equipped you know. You use one CD (can save up to 700 MB) and a tool to play it (the CD player, plug and play stick, the memory card, etc), so you have room for improvement, it can be as complicated as needed. But PC game, you need to make sure the file is not too many or too heavy but with a good graphics, it must be easy to play but yet challenging and hold a simple hurdle. For me, to create something beautiful but simple is harder than if we have the alternative to make it complicated.

There are several lessons I get from those games that can applied to our daily life. Yeah, Go on, you can laugh at me, I don’t mind. From most of the games I learn:
1. Patient is a virtue. This is when you play games that need you to wait something to grow and serve clients that easily displeased; if you lose your patient you won’t finish the game and get bored.
2. Don’t Panic. It’s hard to move and keep a good working pace if you’re panic.
3. Use your saving/money/points wisely. This is if for game that use points to buy your equipment or tools or property that will affect your speed in the next level
4. An efficient workflow process is very important. Several games demand you to do a work flow. After pick this, take there, put somewhere, collect again, and all must in one full process so you can save more time and get more points.
5. Always do something, don’t be idle. It’s like in Feeding Frenzy, if you’re idle something will come from somewhere and eat you.
6. Put your attention to details. You’ll lose so many things if you don’t go for details, and its crucial if those details are important matter to get. I learn this from game like mystery case.
7. Keep your spirit up. There are games that I haven’t finish up until now because I don’t find away to get points to the next level and it pissed my off. But when you feel like you meet a dead end, spirit will take you way over it. Hahaha. It’s proven thou.

My boyfriend is a bit complaining about my continuous addiction on PC game. In his concern, he always teasing me “If someday we get married, you can only play PC game maximum 1 hour per day or I’ll throw away your notebook, out of the window!” or he would say “This is why we should let kids play as much as necessary in their childhood. You and your games are the living proof of a person with unhappy childhood, too much study with a very limited playing time.” I know he’s worried about me stuck in front of the screen too long or stay wake ‘til late at night just to finish a game. As much as I care about how he feels, but we already called that ADDICTION right? I’m so sorry hon, but I always know by heart you would understand (giggle). Once my Dad saw me for hours quietly sitting in front of the PC, I was playing Dinner Dash at that time. So he came near me to see what exactly I’m doing so seriously and he threw a comment “Ah, I see, you’re busy serving food to all those guesses.”

When I tell my addiction to other friends, they wouldn’t believe it; they’ll then ask “How could you find time in a day to play that game? I mean with so many things you have to do at work and after work”. O well, must I say with a humble tone its must be my very good time management. Yeah right! I think it’s just my high determination to get some self-indulgent to play a game and of course - my addiction. I usually spent couple of hours after office on my bed playing games, and more hours at weekend if there are no schedules to go. I’ll be happy to stay at my room and focusing on my notebook’s screen. I’m so low maintenance.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. (Mark Twain)

I had a very immense fight with my boyfriend last month. Unlike our other fight this one was so tense that I instantly decided to break up with him and he was also agreed. At that time for me the reason why we fight was very much important, I questioned his love, respect and manner for me. I was much hurt by the way he treated me and talk to me. We didn’t say many words that night, as we usually does when we’re fighting, but I know that moment was truly the end of this relationship, and that he’ll become one of the stories of my life, just like my other ex-s.

And as my heart broken badly, I need to take this rage out of me by telling all my good friends about what’s going on with me. I told them what I thought, how I feel, the burned anger, the disappointment, that he’s not worthies, he doesn’t deserve me. If you know me well, then you also know that I’m such a good speaker when I’m mad. It’s so easy to sway other people when you are angry or highly disregard something, to get their support and agreement. Anger always gives additional energy for us to be more persuasive. And I knew it well that no matter what, all my friends will agree with me and support me. Sure. They are my friends. True they listened to me, helped me, took me to stay over at their house, comforted me, and made me laugh for a moment.

There are several funny or if I may say unordinary comments from my friends when I first tell them that I already break up with my boyfriend. One of them said

      "I knew it Lo. From the first time, I know that your relationship won’t be long lasting."

      "Why? How do you know?" I asked, felt a bit defensive.

      "Yeah, from the way you say things about him, you adore him too much. No relationship last long if you praised your boyfriend like that" I was confused by what he said, so I replied

      "But for me it’s love like you’ve never hurt before, right? I mean what’s the point of falling in love if you don’t like the person so much to the point that you – of course - praise and adore him?” My other friends told me other different things.

      "You are not supposed to expose all your love to him. Men don’t appreciate it. They are naturally born hunting, if they know that something or that woman is fully theirs, they’ll take it for granted and go hunt another" Other say

      "I knew that he’s not worthed for you, the way he control you, the way he put you in an uncomfortable situation that is not okay, he’s not worth for you to cry over". In my sadness I asked my best friend

"Will he forget me? Thou we’re no longer together but I kinda want him not to forget what I already did to him. I mean will he be okay soon? I know it’ll take some times for me." My friend replied in a sarcastic way

      "Of course he’ll forget you, don’t you know it’s so easy to find another person these days? I’ve been there remember?We think we are special, that there’s none like us, who else will love him like we did? But actually he’ll get over you as soon as you said you don’t want him anymore" I looked down and feel a great sadness. One of my friends tells me

“Calm down Lo, you don’t rush with such decision to cut him out of your life. Just give it some room for a small chance. Things happened and another thing can also happen, we don’t know. Give it a time.” Still I was confused and hurt.

For several days I was in great sadness and confusion until one text message delivered to my inbox. It was from him. He apologized for what was happened, the way he have been acted and spoke. He asked for forgiveness and a second chance. I say no. I’ve been convinced enough that he’s not the one for me. He says no more and I thought he’s given up. I got to admit that I was disappointed. Somehow there’s a small hope that he’ll fight for me, since we were so in love before. He always said that no matter what, he’ll fight for me and our relationship. And I was hoping At least he proved in a way that he really regretted what happened. Like one last great fight before the battle over and every partaker lose. So I was crying myself to sleep and hoping that tomorrow will be a different story, that I’ll be able to forget him soon.

Then the day after, I found out that he called my parents to clear out problems. He made an appointment with them and asked them not to tell me, afraid that I’ll be mad even more. I was furious yet amazed by how daring he is. No men in my life take a risk by talk to my parents about our relationship. In my curiosity I telephone him then, first to ask him to stay away from me n my family, second – must I admit - just to hear his voice. He explained to me in a soft tone that he just want to talk to my parents to make sure that I’m not in difficult position to give explanation why he’s not around anymore, that he’ll take all the blame. Further, he admitted he will also try to get me back. He said if I don’t want to talk to him, he’ll try through my parents. Give it a little hope they somehow will look from his side, then reasoning with me to consider things between us. Now you tell me, if that’s not brave enough, and there it is, I got my last fight.

He really did all things he said. First he visited me at my home, and he make it happened to have a private talk with my Dad. He keeps apologizing in a humble way. Not too much, just humble. It did change my mind. You don’t find a man that willing to lower his ego and pride just to get you back.  A man that keep his words and try his best even when he’s also hurt with the situation. Yes, he made mistake, WE made mistake but the damage done is equal with the effort to restore it, or even more. My harden heart get soften and I give him and this love another chance.

Is it true that we must be practical and sensible when it comes to love? And how much is too much? That we must considerable enough, thoughtful enough to keep all things balance just like a project or a painting? So define me balance if it’s on the subject of feelings and emotions or even logic. Will that assuring that problem will less occurs, in less intense course? I found a half truth in it. The thing is, mistake we make a long the "love" journey just like a trial, a proven time, a shaping moment. Is it true that if you love someone you must a little bit holding back feelings? Is it true to set "proper distance" always? Should I’ve been more careful with love? Call me naive, but I think love means we are free to express how we feel without afraid to be judge. Love means freedom.

But I think my friend is also right, there are lesson learned from this episode of life. I learn that it’s not always agreeably to brag about out boyfriend or girlfriend before the relationship went through trial. I mean there’s nothing special with so in love with someone flawless, someone that not yet do unpleasant thing to us, someone that is not even showing his point of neither weaknesses nor the dark part of his character. The early stage of relationship is so easy and fun and beautiful. There’s no validation in it.

We are a change person since that. We changed the way we communicate and the way we see each other. He try to be more patients with me. He learns not to take me for granted. Be more sensitive over things that I dislike. And I, I try to put more respect to him, to be forgiving, to listened before I decide. To be more considerate if I want to step out from a fight with him. To be careful to speak or tell stories when I’m mad. We learned again how to love someone imperfect, and have a total concise that each of us are far from perfect. We get mature in a level. I realize that trials will come commonly to a relationship. I look around, and amaze by how some married couples endure it without becoming dispassionate or unconvinced by years. And each time problem occur, they gain more power to bear one another and don’t lose hope over each other. I hope that’ll be one of my story since my relationship with him still a very long journey.

This month, my boyfriend proofed his love again. He stood for me in my worst moment, when my weaknesses exposed by my closest peer, in time of my most vulnerable, when I lose all confidence and feeling so low. When I got nothing to hide and lose my face after one and another unmerciful comments about my being. He try to protect me when I couldn’t defense myself. He’s there and afterwards told me "Dear, nothing that has been said and done could change the way I feel about you. I love you". Love is real love after it went through trials. I thank God for those ugly moments.

People say there’s a typical love-hate relationship between mom and daughter in the history of humankind. I read it in some books and articles, see it in the movie or mostly TV shows, hear it on the radio (yes, I’m still listening to the radio as my routines), and discuss it among friends. People go through the same problem in the subject of Mom and daughter over decades, again and again, as if if these world populations consist of Mother’s clan and Daughter’s clan, there will be an immortal emotional war which will bring earth to an obvious the end faster than global warming. Ok, I am exaggerating, I just want to make a point that it’s not easy to go through such relationship if you are a woman.

Really, I don’t know what’s really going on between me and my mom, sometimes we’re get along very well like two kittens playing in a warm sunny park, and the next moment we have this cat fight end by a cold war for several days. Then until we both try forget and realized how nonessential our quarrel was and going on with our regular conversation of dailies update news as if nothing happened before.

When it comes to say, a happy moment, I can really like my mom. She can be so loving, caring, funny, witty, and adorable in overall. We can have a long chat about life and how things happen and for sure our dream. I admit in the old age, like my mom’s age, its getting harder and harder to dream high. Old people just want to dream something that really-really visible. I try to hold down myself in this subject of conversation with her.

But when it comes to a “combat” moment, usually trigger by our disagreement on things, which then lead to her being an absolute anomalous, I totally couldn’t understand my mom. She can be so bitter, sharp tongue or brutal to be précised, vicious, hysterical, and so much of a drama queen.

Grew with a mom like mine does established some significant personalities, I’m sure like it does to other women with other mom. I also become an emotional person, a bit ignorant if it’s concerning other people’s feelings and for sure not someone who avoid confrontation. I become vocal about my standpoint and always ready for an argumentation. As you know, those can be weaknesses but also strengths.

I remember a lot of good and bad things that I felt towards my mom when I was just a little kid. My mom have a very-very sharp tongue. She never stands for neutral regarding something; she will always go to the extreme. If it’s good and meet her favor, she would exceedingly praise it and say all the nice things in the world about it. She would say “It’s very-very good”, “Wow, I’m sooo happy”, “I LOVE the way it looks”, “You are very smart”, “Very nice you’re doing that”, and so on. But if things not tally to her approval, like if she dislike the way things stated or performed, she would go the utmost opposite of praising, she would say “IT’s so ugly”, “No human being want to have that”, “You are so bad”, “You will never be happy again”, "So stupid, beyond imagination" and so on.  For instant, if I wear something and ask her how I look, if it’s meet her taste, she would say “O, it looks very nice, very nice. You are the prettiest”. Unfortunately, my fashion taste doesn’t always meet my mom’s (of course, we live in different era), and when she dislike the way I look, she would say “Yeww, you look like a low class servant!”, “Are you sure you’re going to use that un-match (or horrible color) clothes out?”. My mom will never say something like, “I don’t really like it, but it looked decent, and if it’s comfortable why not?” or “I’m just suggesting, maybe you want to change your top”. Nope, that’s not my mom.

She’s getting better as years passed by, the kids grow old (if it’s not mature), she try to build her spiritual life, like most of old ages people does, and more over because I don’t life under the same roof with her. The last part really helps to improve our relationship. We just couldn’t stay peaceful more than 5 months, there’s always an immense fight in between. Our recent subject to argue is about my dream Wedding Ceremony. YES, DREAM means, right now I have no potential husband yet, no exact date, nothing to become a tangible basic reason to fight for, just a dream, just several IFs. When I say things that I want for my Wedding, she would go against it instantly. I said I want to wear a white simple designer gown, and she would say that I will look so ugly and so ordinary (just like the guest), so I better use a “Kebaya” (Indonesian traditional clothes). I said I want a particular band with a special song sing during my walking the aisle, my mom would cynically say that that will definitely make the whole procession less sacred, rather than if I use a heavenly choir as the background music.  I said I want a semi outdoor wedding party and she went frantic, as if it’s the silliest idea ever and as if I never thought that it could be rain that day. That absurd heated discussion always won by her. Meanwhile me, quietly sulking and worry for how my wedding ceremony going to be with all of these disagreement between us. It works well to make me ever less want to get married soon.

My sister experienced that with my mom too. Of course Mom doesn’t make any exception for any of her daughter since that’s the way she is. But my sister is way calmer and patient compares to me and she is mostly crying if mom says something harsh to her. I don’t remember when exactly I decided to stop crying every time I have argument with her and ever since I just – as I said before – sulk and avoiding her.

This love hate relationship still gets on my nerves once in awhile especially when we’re in “combat mode”. And I always wish that I can be more patient, understanding, mature, calm in the way I handle my mom. I did try thou, practice by when her first sentences hit my ears, I try not to lose-temper. And please don’t take me wrong, I love her and don’t want to replace her with another mom. I just want for a better situation as we all grow older, by time, by moments of life, by special occasions.

I believe there’s a precious lesson coming out of this life experience. I mean anything happened, happened for a reason. If one day I have a daughter or two, I know by heart I cannot avoid such disagreement over things.  But one thing I promise to myself, if problems emerge, I will try as hard as possible to hold myself or my tongue, embrace the anger sensibly, cooling down, and saying things that only will bring peace of mind and calmness in the emotional moment between us. I hope when the time come I have a total consciousness that I’m the Mom, and they are my baby girls.

Author: Unknown (I just found this in one webblog, and really fit my current condition)

To hate all roses
Because you got scratched with one thorn…

To give up on your dreams
Because one didn’t come true…

To lose faith in prayers
Because one was not answered…

To give up on your efforts
Because one of them failed…

To condemn all your friends
Because one betrayed you…

Not to believe in love
Because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back…

To throw away all your chances to be happy
Because you did not succeed on the first attempt…

I hope that as you go on your way
You don’t give in to madness

Remembering always …

Another chance may come up

Another friend

A new love

A renewed strength

Be persistent
Look for happiness in every day

The sure path to failure is to give up!
It is often through failure that future success come
KEEP TRYING!

May God Bless You.

Jakarta - Singapore - Jakarta

A few days ago I had a sudden trip to Singapore. It’s sudden because my nearly-in-the-future-to-be boss asked me to accompany her to this media visit project, tomorrow. She said she want to introduce me to a potential client, so as soon as I settled in the new office, I will handle them. As sure as hell, I was hesitated, I don’t know the objective of the trip, the schedule, the key messages, and anything related to it. My soon to be boss surely cannot send me the itianary and information today. From my point of view it is a risky trip, of looking incapable in front of everybody. But she convinced me (well, insist to be precise) that this is an important event and it is for the sake of the future, I must go. The invitation came at brunch time and she sent me the ticket in the afternoon. Even when I have the ticket in my hand, I realized I wasn’t really sure about the trip. So I tried to think of it in a more challenging way. Why not? Just impulsively go and see what will happen and where The Not Knowing takes me. Maybe it brings me to an interesting event or to disaster.

The night before the trip was a bit emotional, I mean the whole night. My dad got baptized so we all gathered in the church and have a small sharing celebration. I’m really happy for this moment. My boyfriend was also there with me & my family. He picked me from the office and it was raining very hard. My boyfriend is a very attentive person, he bravely gave a thoughtful sharing about my Dad. I’m grateful for having such a wonderful boyfriend. After the celebration I asked him to take me to the airport tomorrow morning. The flight is quite early; I must arrive at the airport at 6 am since the flight departure in 8.30 am. I was so sure that he’s going to say OK. I mean he did things harder and more complicated for me than just drop me to the airport before. But he did said NO and gave me some reasons such as he’s afraid we won’t be able to wake and meet on time, I need time to packing tonight so he better leave me alone, plus there will be MU VS Barcelona this morning at 3 am on TV. I was so disappointed. I mean, of course I can manage to go by myself, I’m old enough (if its not mature) and it’s not my first time to travel alone. But out of my sentimentality I want him to be in the airport, to be the last person I see before I go, to be the company to drive through such a long highway to the airport, the main point I want to be with him as long as possible. In the same moment I also surprised by how disappointed I am with the whole situation, with the gentle rejection. I have this sudden struck of realization of how much and how strong dependency I have regarding his presence around me. I can not accept that that easily. All this years of my life being single and also a career woman, I’m so proud with my independency, about me being carefree and able to do things alone. So no such thing should bring me down. People are free to do what they want, why I need to put such pressure on my boyfriend to do what I need him to do for me and/or just because I want to be with him? And the syndrome after disappointment attacks me. You know what disappointed people feel after being disappointed? Loneliness. A bit weird but then I do feel lonely. I try to cope up with thought that there won’t be next time, I won’t ask him to do things for me and be disappointed, I’ll take care of my feeling and my self. I’ll gain my independence back and I don’t need any one but God. I know that’s a bit extreme, but hey, I’m disappointed.

Maybe because I feel emotional, the packing was also become confusing. I mean, I have no picture of what kind of occasions I’m going to have tomorrow. I threw half of clothes in my cabinet to bed just to be sure I will bring the right outfits. I sat on bed between mountains of clothes, mind joggling between dresses and my boyfriend’s attitude. I tried to mix and matched some tops and trouser/skirt and mood like hundreds times. Then I decided, if it’s a trip with reporter it should be more casual because reporter seldom dress formal in a trip. I bring several semi formal top and trousers and threw my toiletries and accessories inside the small black luggage. I was fallen a sleep with so many things in my mind. Worried. Being independent. Professional attire and appearance. Things to say. I didn’t even say my night prayer.

Since my ticket is a last minute order ticket; I didn’t get the same flight with the group. I must fly alone an hour or so earlier then they are. So I’ll be by myself to Singapore and we will meet up at the Changi Airport. I woke in time and arrived at the airport 2 hours before boarding. After experiencing 4 times missed the plane, 4 times almost missed out (I was literally the last person got into the cabin and everybody looked at me irritatingly), I think I need to take some lesson of life out of it. 2 hours waiting is not so painful if you know what exactly to do while waiting. As for me, I watched MTV (sign of me being part of the lost generation) while colouring my nails dark brown, needless to say watching stranger passing by and thinking of attaining my independence back (or getting back at my boyfriend maybe). For a start I thought it’s good to harden my heart from sending SMS to my boyfriend to say that I’ll take off in an hour or so and saying goodbye. Must I admit it’s so hard not to think about him, I was so much like calling him and spoiling myself with his recurring attention. I succeed thou. As the boarding announcement for all passengers of my flight sounding across the long and larger hall of Soekarno Hatta Airport, I walked feeling victorious. The security must open my handbag since they found through the x-ray that there are many bottle of liquid substances in my bag. Sure, I have my nail colour, face mist, colour stain spray, eye make up remover, and they only take my mineral water cause its more than 100 ml, the rest can stay with me. In the boarding room I try to find seat that allow me to sit just by my self, I still want to dwell in the thought of what to do next. Anyway, I’m not the kind of person who started a conversation with a stranger as I’m not interested in an impulsive, spontaneous conversation. But then 2 middle age Cie cie (a call for Chinese woman) managed to seat next to me. I was so sure there are lot of empty seats in the room. I think "O well as long as they don’t try to engage me in a conversation, I’m fine". But that’s only an empty wish especially for us Indonesian. We are so full of friendliness if it’s not curiosity. Hence Cie cie naturally tried to snare me in a decent conversation. As a start she asked where I’m going and for what purpose. I answered politely and asked her back the same question. After 3 or 4 sentences back and forth she finally admitted that at first she thought I am Dewi Sandra, one of (depend on who do you asking) young almost famous singer in Indonesia. I gave her a fake coy and giggle. After staring at me for like 10 seconds she and her friend agree that Dewi Sandra is chubbier than me, and her upper head is shaved. I can see a slight of deep disappointment in their eyes that I’m not Dewi Sandra. I was quite amazed by how they knew Dewi Sandra so well, at least her latest appearance. Both Cie cie are coming from Makassar and going to have a regular general check up in Singapore. She then told me twice that I look so much like Dewi, and confirmed it again and again to her friend. To be courteous I said Dewi Sandra is pretty and very much stylish as well. See, quite a conversation we had there. Thank God, it’s time to get in the plane so we civilly said goodbye.

To be continued…

Sudah lama saya tidak suka dengan apa yang disebut gossip, bergosip dan embel-embel apapun yang menyertainya. Jangan salah, sebagai seorang perempuan yang hidup di kota besar, dimana bukan hanya wartawan yang menganggap “Bad news is good news”, saya juga pasti pernah terlibat gosip dong. Dan tidak munafik ada kalanya bergosip itu menyenangkan dan memberi banyak “pengetahuan” baru terlepas dari manfaatnya. Namun rasanya sudah lama juga sejak aku terakhir kali ikutan bergosip mengingat pengaruh yang luar biasa buruk yang diakibatkan kepada orang yang digosipin dan orang yang menggosip. Tidak berlebihan kalo saya bilang pengaruhnya luar biasa buruk karena itulah yang saya saksikan dengan mata kepala saya sendiri dan saya alami juga.

Oke, sekarang kita jadi bertanya-tanya, bagaimana membedakan gossip dengan sekedar bertukar cerita/pikiran/pandangan? Gampang saja, sebelum kita mulai berbicara tentang orang lain, coba kita tanya pada diri kita sendiri:

1. Apakah niat kita untuk menceritakannya? Pengisi makan siang kita? Supaya kita dianggap paling oke dan up-date? Sekedar bercerita? Karena setahu saya kalau kita menceritakan A kepada B dan C yang tidak begitu kenal A, tidak ada niat baik di dalam itu. Dan kalau kita memang niat baik, kita pasti dengan percaya diri bercerita langsung kepada A, tentang hal yang mengganggu kita. Niat yang baik dan tulus akan selalu membawa kepada kedamaian walau harus konflik awalnya. Tidak ada gray area, Gosip itu Murni Jahat.

2. Apakah cerita tersebut benar? Sudah kah kita dengar orang tersebut mengatakannya sendiri? Atau itu hanya hasil asumsi kita? Karena seringnya orang berasumsi seenak isi perut mereka. Yang paling sering saya dengar kata-kata seperti ini dari penggosip “Loh, kalo dia bilang begitukan, berarti maksudnya begini kan?”. Para penggosip itu suka sibuk menerka-nerka, membayangkan, menambahkan dan membenarkan hal-hal yang sesungguhnya tidak terjadi, dan kalaupun itu nyata terjadi mereka tetap menambahkannya dengan hal-hal lain yang lebih ”mengigit”. Menurut saya para penggosip itu seringnya delusional. Tidak ada gray area, Gosip itu Fitnah.

3. Apakah menceritakan tentang orang tersebut kepada orang lain membawa kebaikan buat orang itu? Yang paling konyol adalah kalau kita mengatasnamakan “untuk jadi pelajaran hidup” sebagai alasan untuk bergosip. Atau untuk menghibur dan membenarkan diri kita sendiri kita sering bilang pada teman-teman gosip kita “Ya kan ga enak kalau orang tahu dia ternyata begitu orangnya, kita sih maunya yang baik-baik saja”, “Kita sih mau bantuin saja, dari pada orang lain yang bilangin”. Tidak ada gray area, Gosip itu Munafik.

Saya benar-benar jijik dengan gosip, berjuta kali saya bilang pada teman-teman saya jangan mau jadi bagian gosip, apa lagi di kantor dimana penyakit itu berkembang dengan subur. Saya bilang pada teman sekantor saya yang baru - satu divisi - untuk bahkan tidak menunjukkan ketertarikan pada apa yang dikatakan orang tentang orang lain. Jangan bahkan bilang “Oh ya??”, “Masa?”, “Terus, terus?” karena begitu kita menunjukkan ketertarikan dengan satu kalimat pengosip itu, dia akan melanjutkan dengan rasa antusias dan sok tahu yang amat sangat besar seolah-olah dia Tuhan yang tahu segala sesuatu.

Kantor saya yang lama adalah sebuah agensi kecil dengan karyawan yang tidak terlalu banyak dan semuanya wanita. Pimpinan saya juga seorang wanita dan dia tidak menuai terlalu banyak simpati dari karyawati-karyawatinya. Kebijakan-kebijakan yang dia terapkan sebagai pimpinan memang saya akui banyak tidak sesuai dengan aspirasi “bawahan”nya, atau pada umumnya dengan menggunakan common sense. Tapi saya tidak menutup mata bahwa sebagai pimpinan, tentunya dia juga punya kelebihan, contohnya dia memang pintar. Masuk satu hari di kantor itu, saya sudah terekpos dengan banyak sekali kalimat-kalimat yang mengerikan mengenai pimpinan saya tersebut. Setiap makan siang mereka tiada hentinya membicarakan sang pimpinan, betapa buruknya, kejinya, tidak bijaksananya, memalukannya dia. Beberapa kejadian memang benar, saya akui dia agak-agak memalukan, dan saya jadi terlibat gosip untuk pokok soal tertentu. Tapi pembicaraan yang konstan mengenai pimpinan saya itu membuat karakter teman-teman sekantor saya menjadi mengerikan semakin hari. Mereka menjadi selalu berpikiran negatif, mereka menjadi sangat tidak bahagia di kantor, tapi karena belum bisa mendapatkan pekerjaan lain mereka rela tetap bekerja disitu. Dengan gosip yang terus menerus itu rasa tidak simpati berubah menjadi rasa benci yang berlebihan dan gosip-gosip menjadi tidak relevan dengan keadaan yang sebenarnya. Sulit bagi saya untuk tetap “bersih” dari gosip karena semua orang terlibat. Lucunya, tidak ada yang berani ngomong langsung kepada pimpinan itu. Di depan dia semuanya baik dan tersenyum. Saya sekali dua kali mendiskusikan keputusan-keputusan “aneh” yang diambilnya yang berkaitan dengan pekerjaan saya dan dia ternyata tidak “sulit” orangnya. Untungnya kesempatan yang lebih baik datang sehingga saya segera keluar dari tempat itu. Beberapa karyawati di perusahaan itu akhirnya ada yang juga keluar, dan dari kantor yang satu kekantor yang lain mereka mengeluhkan hal yang sama, pimpinan mereka jahat, tidak adil dan tidak bijaksana. Padahal kalau di tilik benar-benar, pikiran negatif yang dibangun oleh gosip selama tahunan itu sudah melekat didalam benak mereka dan sulit untuk pergi.

Di kantor saya yang sekarang, yang karyawannya ratusan, tentunya lebih banyak lagi pengidap sakit gosip ini. Saya sangat mengenali beberapa orang diantaranya karena mereka sering datang “berkunjung” ke ruangan saya dan “menawarkan” berita-berita menarik. Saya sungguh tidak tertarik. Kalau mereka bersikukuh untuk bercerita saya hanya duduk manggut-manggut dan tanpa ekspresi, bahkan sesekali sambil tertawa saya melontarkan beberapa kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang berlawanan dengan arah gosip itu. Kalau dia bilang “Manager ini ada ‘main’ dengan Direktur itu tahu”, saya akan bilang “Mungkin mereka memang sudah kenal dari dulu, dan setahu saya manager itu memang ramah dan baik orangnya”, dan begitu seterusnya sampai saya tahu bahwa saya bukan orang yang terlalu menyenangkan untuk diajak gosip. Tapi malang tak dapat ditolak untung tak dapat diraih, tetap saja saya yang kena gosip akhirnya oleh orang orang yang itu-itu juga. Seperti biasa saya hadapi dengan lenggang kangkung dan tidak perduli, yang penting performance kerja saya baik. Kalau kalian pikir dengan bersikap baik kepada para penggosip akan menghindarkan kalian dari objek gosip, kalian salah besar! Saya membuktikannya berkali-kali dalam hidup saya. Karakter buruk sulit untuk hilang.

Sayang sekali, orang yang bergosip itu tidak tahu kalau orang bisa sakit hati kalau dijadikan bahan gosip. Tidak tahu sampai mereka sendiri yang dijadikan bahan, lalu mereka seperti orang kebakaran jenggot berusaha untuk meluruskan informasi yang salah tentang mereka, dengan cara baik-baik atau dengan cara lain, yaitu dengan menggosip orang yang dia curigai menggosipi dia. Penggosip itu tidak menyadari bahwa semakin mereka suka menggosipi orang lain, semakin insecure mereka merasa. Pikiran negatif bahwa orang lain akan memperlakukan mereka sama, termasuk bergosip tentang mereka akan selalu menghantui. Benar-benar lingkaran setan yang mengerikan. Hal ini mengubah banyak karakter, benar kata Alkitab “Pergaulan yang buruk merusak kebiasaan yang baik”.  Begitulah gula-gula, sekalipun dia berbahaya untuk gigi dan kesehatan, siapa yang tidak tertarik?

Apakah kalian pernah digosipin? Kalian pasti tahu rasanya, maka ingatkanlah teman kalian.

Apakah kalian tukang gosip? Kenapa tidak berhenti saja sebelum kalian jadi korban, sungguh dari sekarang saya bilangin, tidak enak rasanya.

I haven’t post anything in my blog for quite along time. As a matter in fact, I haven’t writing at all about anything that related to my personal life lately. I tried several times, but I lost words and idea and the paper just leave blank. So weird, because I thought I’m so happy lately. I fall in love, I get the job that I’ve been dreaming of for so long, my best friend just get married, and I have no problem with my family. Still I can’t write anything to describe what I’m feeling right now. Do you have any idea that what you so called happiness can be so empty sometimes? That sadness means a lot more to your soul than just being happy. It’s tragic to see that what lays behind the happiness are things that you detested, you avoid and things you never though you’ll ever do.

I’m happy for the fact that I’m falling in love with this incredibly kind man that fulfilled me in so many ways. But for the love I must did something that I never imagine I will do in my entire life. In the future lays ahead us, I know we must make several important decisions that might change our life forever, for good or bad. Well, I’m falling in love, that’s a life changing moment I know, but should I do things that just not myself? I get consequences for the love that I chose. I don’t feel like a victory right now, and I’m not event talking about adjustment between me and him. This happiness mixed up with regrets, this love story could be better if I did it in different way. If I choose to do what is right. Maybe, if I see his face, I’ll be happy again. The more I feel in love, the more I have this need to be redeemed. I’m lost in love…

My dream job which right on my palm right now, wondering why I’m not so excited after all? Is it the responsibility lays behind it? Is it managing people that I don’t really like to do? Is it me? I thought I already predicted it all. Things happened as it should happen. I always know what will happened when this moment come, but I also always think that I must be feel achieved. I’m not. You see? No. I don’t feel worry, I don’t feel incapable. I’m not afraid. But I’m not excited as well… I feel something that I can’t describe and that’s why I can’t write about it.

Hm, I think I shouldn’t continue this depressing conversation with my self… afraid that someone read it and take it to another level of depression… Okay, I’ll try to feed my thoughts with what is noble, beautiful, and righteous, just like what’s written in the holy bible. God, you’re my redeemer, mercy me, and please help me.