Remembrance

I haven’t post anything in my blog for quite along time. As a matter in fact, I haven’t writing at all about anything that related to my personal life lately. I tried several times, but I lost words and idea and the paper just leave blank. So weird, because I thought I’m so happy lately. I fall in love, I get the job that I’ve been dreaming of for so long, my best friend just get married, and I have no problem with my family. Still I can’t write anything to describe what I’m feeling right now. Do you have any idea that what you so called happiness can be so empty sometimes? That sadness means a lot more to your soul than just being happy. It’s tragic to see that what lays behind the happiness are things that you detested, you avoid and things you never though you’ll ever do.

I’m happy for the fact that I’m falling in love with this incredibly kind man that fulfilled me in so many ways. But for the love I must did something that I never imagine I will do in my entire life. In the future lays ahead us, I know we must make several important decisions that might change our life forever, for good or bad. Well, I’m falling in love, that’s a life changing moment I know, but should I do things that just not myself? I get consequences for the love that I chose. I don’t feel like a victory right now, and I’m not event talking about adjustment between me and him. This happiness mixed up with regrets, this love story could be better if I did it in different way. If I choose to do what is right. Maybe, if I see his face, I’ll be happy again. The more I feel in love, the more I have this need to be redeemed. I’m lost in love…

My dream job which right on my palm right now, wondering why I’m not so excited after all? Is it the responsibility lays behind it? Is it managing people that I don’t really like to do? Is it me? I thought I already predicted it all. Things happened as it should happen. I always know what will happened when this moment come, but I also always think that I must be feel achieved. I’m not. You see? No. I don’t feel worry, I don’t feel incapable. I’m not afraid. But I’m not excited as well… I feel something that I can’t describe and that’s why I can’t write about it.

Hm, I think I shouldn’t continue this depressing conversation with my self… afraid that someone read it and take it to another level of depression… Okay, I’ll try to feed my thoughts with what is noble, beautiful, and righteous, just like what’s written in the holy bible. God, you’re my redeemer, mercy me, and please help me.