Remembrance

Jakarta - Singapore - Jakarta

A few days ago I had a sudden trip to Singapore. It’s sudden because my nearly-in-the-future-to-be boss asked me to accompany her to this media visit project, tomorrow. She said she want to introduce me to a potential client, so as soon as I settled in the new office, I will handle them. As sure as hell, I was hesitated, I don’t know the objective of the trip, the schedule, the key messages, and anything related to it. My soon to be boss surely cannot send me the itianary and information today. From my point of view it is a risky trip, of looking incapable in front of everybody. But she convinced me (well, insist to be precise) that this is an important event and it is for the sake of the future, I must go. The invitation came at brunch time and she sent me the ticket in the afternoon. Even when I have the ticket in my hand, I realized I wasn’t really sure about the trip. So I tried to think of it in a more challenging way. Why not? Just impulsively go and see what will happen and where The Not Knowing takes me. Maybe it brings me to an interesting event or to disaster.

The night before the trip was a bit emotional, I mean the whole night. My dad got baptized so we all gathered in the church and have a small sharing celebration. I’m really happy for this moment. My boyfriend was also there with me & my family. He picked me from the office and it was raining very hard. My boyfriend is a very attentive person, he bravely gave a thoughtful sharing about my Dad. I’m grateful for having such a wonderful boyfriend. After the celebration I asked him to take me to the airport tomorrow morning. The flight is quite early; I must arrive at the airport at 6 am since the flight departure in 8.30 am. I was so sure that he’s going to say OK. I mean he did things harder and more complicated for me than just drop me to the airport before. But he did said NO and gave me some reasons such as he’s afraid we won’t be able to wake and meet on time, I need time to packing tonight so he better leave me alone, plus there will be MU VS Barcelona this morning at 3 am on TV. I was so disappointed. I mean, of course I can manage to go by myself, I’m old enough (if its not mature) and it’s not my first time to travel alone. But out of my sentimentality I want him to be in the airport, to be the last person I see before I go, to be the company to drive through such a long highway to the airport, the main point I want to be with him as long as possible. In the same moment I also surprised by how disappointed I am with the whole situation, with the gentle rejection. I have this sudden struck of realization of how much and how strong dependency I have regarding his presence around me. I can not accept that that easily. All this years of my life being single and also a career woman, I’m so proud with my independency, about me being carefree and able to do things alone. So no such thing should bring me down. People are free to do what they want, why I need to put such pressure on my boyfriend to do what I need him to do for me and/or just because I want to be with him? And the syndrome after disappointment attacks me. You know what disappointed people feel after being disappointed? Loneliness. A bit weird but then I do feel lonely. I try to cope up with thought that there won’t be next time, I won’t ask him to do things for me and be disappointed, I’ll take care of my feeling and my self. I’ll gain my independence back and I don’t need any one but God. I know that’s a bit extreme, but hey, I’m disappointed.

Maybe because I feel emotional, the packing was also become confusing. I mean, I have no picture of what kind of occasions I’m going to have tomorrow. I threw half of clothes in my cabinet to bed just to be sure I will bring the right outfits. I sat on bed between mountains of clothes, mind joggling between dresses and my boyfriend’s attitude. I tried to mix and matched some tops and trouser/skirt and mood like hundreds times. Then I decided, if it’s a trip with reporter it should be more casual because reporter seldom dress formal in a trip. I bring several semi formal top and trousers and threw my toiletries and accessories inside the small black luggage. I was fallen a sleep with so many things in my mind. Worried. Being independent. Professional attire and appearance. Things to say. I didn’t even say my night prayer.

Since my ticket is a last minute order ticket; I didn’t get the same flight with the group. I must fly alone an hour or so earlier then they are. So I’ll be by myself to Singapore and we will meet up at the Changi Airport. I woke in time and arrived at the airport 2 hours before boarding. After experiencing 4 times missed the plane, 4 times almost missed out (I was literally the last person got into the cabin and everybody looked at me irritatingly), I think I need to take some lesson of life out of it. 2 hours waiting is not so painful if you know what exactly to do while waiting. As for me, I watched MTV (sign of me being part of the lost generation) while colouring my nails dark brown, needless to say watching stranger passing by and thinking of attaining my independence back (or getting back at my boyfriend maybe). For a start I thought it’s good to harden my heart from sending SMS to my boyfriend to say that I’ll take off in an hour or so and saying goodbye. Must I admit it’s so hard not to think about him, I was so much like calling him and spoiling myself with his recurring attention. I succeed thou. As the boarding announcement for all passengers of my flight sounding across the long and larger hall of Soekarno Hatta Airport, I walked feeling victorious. The security must open my handbag since they found through the x-ray that there are many bottle of liquid substances in my bag. Sure, I have my nail colour, face mist, colour stain spray, eye make up remover, and they only take my mineral water cause its more than 100 ml, the rest can stay with me. In the boarding room I try to find seat that allow me to sit just by my self, I still want to dwell in the thought of what to do next. Anyway, I’m not the kind of person who started a conversation with a stranger as I’m not interested in an impulsive, spontaneous conversation. But then 2 middle age Cie cie (a call for Chinese woman) managed to seat next to me. I was so sure there are lot of empty seats in the room. I think "O well as long as they don’t try to engage me in a conversation, I’m fine". But that’s only an empty wish especially for us Indonesian. We are so full of friendliness if it’s not curiosity. Hence Cie cie naturally tried to snare me in a decent conversation. As a start she asked where I’m going and for what purpose. I answered politely and asked her back the same question. After 3 or 4 sentences back and forth she finally admitted that at first she thought I am Dewi Sandra, one of (depend on who do you asking) young almost famous singer in Indonesia. I gave her a fake coy and giggle. After staring at me for like 10 seconds she and her friend agree that Dewi Sandra is chubbier than me, and her upper head is shaved. I can see a slight of deep disappointment in their eyes that I’m not Dewi Sandra. I was quite amazed by how they knew Dewi Sandra so well, at least her latest appearance. Both Cie cie are coming from Makassar and going to have a regular general check up in Singapore. She then told me twice that I look so much like Dewi, and confirmed it again and again to her friend. To be courteous I said Dewi Sandra is pretty and very much stylish as well. See, quite a conversation we had there. Thank God, it’s time to get in the plane so we civilly said goodbye.

To be continued…