Remembrance

I had a very immense fight with my boyfriend last month. Unlike our other fight this one was so tense that I instantly decided to break up with him and he was also agreed. At that time for me the reason why we fight was very much important, I questioned his love, respect and manner for me. I was much hurt by the way he treated me and talk to me. We didn’t say many words that night, as we usually does when we’re fighting, but I know that moment was truly the end of this relationship, and that he’ll become one of the stories of my life, just like my other ex-s.

And as my heart broken badly, I need to take this rage out of me by telling all my good friends about what’s going on with me. I told them what I thought, how I feel, the burned anger, the disappointment, that he’s not worthies, he doesn’t deserve me. If you know me well, then you also know that I’m such a good speaker when I’m mad. It’s so easy to sway other people when you are angry or highly disregard something, to get their support and agreement. Anger always gives additional energy for us to be more persuasive. And I knew it well that no matter what, all my friends will agree with me and support me. Sure. They are my friends. True they listened to me, helped me, took me to stay over at their house, comforted me, and made me laugh for a moment.

There are several funny or if I may say unordinary comments from my friends when I first tell them that I already break up with my boyfriend. One of them said

      "I knew it Lo. From the first time, I know that your relationship won’t be long lasting."

      "Why? How do you know?" I asked, felt a bit defensive.

      "Yeah, from the way you say things about him, you adore him too much. No relationship last long if you praised your boyfriend like that" I was confused by what he said, so I replied

      "But for me it’s love like you’ve never hurt before, right? I mean what’s the point of falling in love if you don’t like the person so much to the point that you – of course - praise and adore him?” My other friends told me other different things.

      "You are not supposed to expose all your love to him. Men don’t appreciate it. They are naturally born hunting, if they know that something or that woman is fully theirs, they’ll take it for granted and go hunt another" Other say

      "I knew that he’s not worthed for you, the way he control you, the way he put you in an uncomfortable situation that is not okay, he’s not worth for you to cry over". In my sadness I asked my best friend

"Will he forget me? Thou we’re no longer together but I kinda want him not to forget what I already did to him. I mean will he be okay soon? I know it’ll take some times for me." My friend replied in a sarcastic way

      "Of course he’ll forget you, don’t you know it’s so easy to find another person these days? I’ve been there remember?We think we are special, that there’s none like us, who else will love him like we did? But actually he’ll get over you as soon as you said you don’t want him anymore" I looked down and feel a great sadness. One of my friends tells me

“Calm down Lo, you don’t rush with such decision to cut him out of your life. Just give it some room for a small chance. Things happened and another thing can also happen, we don’t know. Give it a time.” Still I was confused and hurt.

For several days I was in great sadness and confusion until one text message delivered to my inbox. It was from him. He apologized for what was happened, the way he have been acted and spoke. He asked for forgiveness and a second chance. I say no. I’ve been convinced enough that he’s not the one for me. He says no more and I thought he’s given up. I got to admit that I was disappointed. Somehow there’s a small hope that he’ll fight for me, since we were so in love before. He always said that no matter what, he’ll fight for me and our relationship. And I was hoping At least he proved in a way that he really regretted what happened. Like one last great fight before the battle over and every partaker lose. So I was crying myself to sleep and hoping that tomorrow will be a different story, that I’ll be able to forget him soon.

Then the day after, I found out that he called my parents to clear out problems. He made an appointment with them and asked them not to tell me, afraid that I’ll be mad even more. I was furious yet amazed by how daring he is. No men in my life take a risk by talk to my parents about our relationship. In my curiosity I telephone him then, first to ask him to stay away from me n my family, second – must I admit - just to hear his voice. He explained to me in a soft tone that he just want to talk to my parents to make sure that I’m not in difficult position to give explanation why he’s not around anymore, that he’ll take all the blame. Further, he admitted he will also try to get me back. He said if I don’t want to talk to him, he’ll try through my parents. Give it a little hope they somehow will look from his side, then reasoning with me to consider things between us. Now you tell me, if that’s not brave enough, and there it is, I got my last fight.

He really did all things he said. First he visited me at my home, and he make it happened to have a private talk with my Dad. He keeps apologizing in a humble way. Not too much, just humble. It did change my mind. You don’t find a man that willing to lower his ego and pride just to get you back.  A man that keep his words and try his best even when he’s also hurt with the situation. Yes, he made mistake, WE made mistake but the damage done is equal with the effort to restore it, or even more. My harden heart get soften and I give him and this love another chance.

Is it true that we must be practical and sensible when it comes to love? And how much is too much? That we must considerable enough, thoughtful enough to keep all things balance just like a project or a painting? So define me balance if it’s on the subject of feelings and emotions or even logic. Will that assuring that problem will less occurs, in less intense course? I found a half truth in it. The thing is, mistake we make a long the "love" journey just like a trial, a proven time, a shaping moment. Is it true that if you love someone you must a little bit holding back feelings? Is it true to set "proper distance" always? Should I’ve been more careful with love? Call me naive, but I think love means we are free to express how we feel without afraid to be judge. Love means freedom.

But I think my friend is also right, there are lesson learned from this episode of life. I learn that it’s not always agreeably to brag about out boyfriend or girlfriend before the relationship went through trial. I mean there’s nothing special with so in love with someone flawless, someone that not yet do unpleasant thing to us, someone that is not even showing his point of neither weaknesses nor the dark part of his character. The early stage of relationship is so easy and fun and beautiful. There’s no validation in it.

We are a change person since that. We changed the way we communicate and the way we see each other. He try to be more patients with me. He learns not to take me for granted. Be more sensitive over things that I dislike. And I, I try to put more respect to him, to be forgiving, to listened before I decide. To be more considerate if I want to step out from a fight with him. To be careful to speak or tell stories when I’m mad. We learned again how to love someone imperfect, and have a total concise that each of us are far from perfect. We get mature in a level. I realize that trials will come commonly to a relationship. I look around, and amaze by how some married couples endure it without becoming dispassionate or unconvinced by years. And each time problem occur, they gain more power to bear one another and don’t lose hope over each other. I hope that’ll be one of my story since my relationship with him still a very long journey.

This month, my boyfriend proofed his love again. He stood for me in my worst moment, when my weaknesses exposed by my closest peer, in time of my most vulnerable, when I lose all confidence and feeling so low. When I got nothing to hide and lose my face after one and another unmerciful comments about my being. He try to protect me when I couldn’t defense myself. He’s there and afterwards told me "Dear, nothing that has been said and done could change the way I feel about you. I love you". Love is real love after it went through trials. I thank God for those ugly moments.